I hate all of you so you don't get a hey you. Honestly what is wrong with these fans? Why can we all NEVER appreciate honesty and why must we always fall for production's "villain" edit?
I guess I have to address all parts of the episode before I go on my rant against basically every guy that isn't Dylan or Nick.
I guess I have to address all parts of the episode before I go on my rant against basically every guy that isn't Dylan or Nick.
Belgium
They're in Brussels this week and there are a lot of "mussles in Brussels" jokes and stuff about waffles and shit. Week before hometowns so everything is really tense and serious.
Also, is that Josh in a... hoodie... with nothing... underneath? I take it back ya'll. He is totally a sleezeball like everyone predicted he was. I was wrong.
Also, is that Josh in a... hoodie... with nothing... underneath? I take it back ya'll. He is totally a sleezeball like everyone predicted he was. I was wrong.
Marcus Date
This was so mind-numbingly boring to watch. They tasted chocolates. or was that Josh? Who the fuck cares? He said he was falling in love with her for the 500th time in 5 weeks and they kissed noisily.
Andi was, very characteristically, suspicious about why Marcus wanted to leave in the beginning. Marcus, who didn't want her to think that he wasn't interested, told her this instead: "I was so scared about how intense my feelings were that I was ready to leave". What is that even supposed to mean? He loves her so so much in two weeks that he wanted to runaway from her. That's fucking endearing.
I write this next part only because I'm required to, as a blogger, educate you with a play by play. I have absolutely zero interest in Marcus whatsoever. Andi grills him on what life at home will be like, where he reveals that his father is no longer in the family picture. Growing up was hard (a prerequisite for applying at casting) because his mother used to physically abuse him. He used to have a rocky relationship with her in the past but now that he's grown up and rich it's all good.
You know he basically seals a hometown date, but she does push him against a fence or something and makes out with him, in case he wasn't sure that he sealed a hometown date. Also, did Marcus mention that he loves her? Because he did it again. Oh and probably once more, just to be sure.
I write this next part only because I'm required to, as a blogger, educate you with a play by play. I have absolutely zero interest in Marcus whatsoever. Andi grills him on what life at home will be like, where he reveals that his father is no longer in the family picture. Growing up was hard (a prerequisite for applying at casting) because his mother used to physically abuse him. He used to have a rocky relationship with her in the past but now that he's grown up and rich it's all good.
You know he basically seals a hometown date, but she does push him against a fence or something and makes out with him, in case he wasn't sure that he sealed a hometown date. Also, did Marcus mention that he loves her? Because he did it again. Oh and probably once more, just to be sure.
Nick Faux-Date
The guys find out that the next one-on-one is scheduled for Josh, and we all know how much Nick dreads group dates. Nonetheless, he must sit through one last excruciating task before all his future dates are only with Andi and not 3 other dudes that don't have a chance with her. But he decides that he wants a one-on-one, regardless of whether or not Andi wants to give it to him.
It would be so nice and simple if we could just have him knocking at her door without the acting of the front desk lady breaching every security rule to have ever existed on hotels. I'll let go of the "should've been fired" jokes because everybody has already done that countless times.
Andi is shocked that he's there but she more than wants him there and tells him she's going to change out of her dress that was reserved for a Chris date into something more casual so they can go for a stroll in the Belgian waffles. I mean streets. What.
OKAY HERE'S WHERE I START MY DEFENSE OF NICK. In her latest blog post, Sharleen Joynt (one of my all time favorite Bachelor contestants) correctly named Nick the "accidental villain." I'm pretty sure no one can actually point out even one instance in which something Nick has done has been wrong.
"He stole her away even when he had the rose!" So? Why should he give a shit if the other guys don't get to spend time with her? Is he trying to get married to Andi and all the other guys? Isn't his game plan to end up with the girl, and not watch one of the other guys walk away with her hand?
"He thinks he's definitely going to win and that's not a sexy look!" Why? Confidence is a bad thing because...? Again, his end goal is to end up with the girl. He's there for Andi. He's made it plenty clear he's there for Andi. He has friends back home, a loving family to go back to and a good stable job. He, pardon my borrowing of the title of Courtney Robertson's tell-all, didn't come here to make friends. He came here to get the girl, and every moment he gets to spend with her is a moment he should take advantage of.
"He walked away when Marcus was talking about his one-on-one!" Why would anyone want to sit in a room and discuss another person's date with the person that they themselves are falling in love with? Really ask yourself, would you ever sit through a conversation with a person who is describing how dating your girlfriend is the best thing ever? It's good to be possessive, especially this late in the game.
When Andi asks Nick what exactly he means when he says that the feelings he feels are "insane," Nick replies that he thinks it's insane how he looks at her and says things to himself like "I want to propose to this girl." That is exactly the kind of healthy thoughts these contestants should be expressing. Not Josh's "I don't want you to spend time with the other guys," but instead focusing on their own relationship with the girl and how far they see it realistically progressing. When Josh says his I love you, it seems forced and required of him. When Nick says it, it seems natural and something that he's actually provided constructive thought to.
There's not much more I can say without sounding like a broken record, but I'll do more of that in the upcoming sections.
Josh Date
Mind-numbingly boring date part 2. I don't even want to comment on this. Fuck blogger responsibilities.
Group Date
Andi takes the remaining guys to a monastery. On their way there, the boys are forced to ride a four man bicycle type thing. They decide to play a rhyme game, and Dylan comes up with the golden line: "I wish I had some car keys." Why don't they display this side of Dylan more? he's normal, doesn't bitch and is funny. What else do you want producers? Make him the next Bachelor and not Farmer or Marcus, I beg.
The Farmer throws back to Ghost when him and Andi get a little mini one-on-one sesh while the other guys are left to sit in agony waiting for them to get back. The monastery has a few rules, like NO KISSING, but Andi doesn't give a fuck and kisses Chris all over. I didn't think the date was sexy at all but that's because there's absolutely no chemistry between Andi and Chris in the first place.
When it's Nick's turn to talk to Andi, Farmer and Coach start the bitchfest that continues into the depths of the night. They talk about how Nick always mentions strategy, how he isn't real with Andi and how he isn't real with them, how he hates group dates and basically any accusation they can try to throw at the wall and see if any of them stick. None of them do.
Nick gets the group date rose which means some more time with Andi. Nothing to really report there. He is genuine, believes that Andi has feelings for him and will not back down or believe otherwise. He's confident in their connection and knows that she loves him back but just can't say it to him yet. The eventual heartbreak that is coming for him will have me in tears no doubt.
Honestly, the guys are much more salty and bitchy than the girls in these shows. They are literally all sitting in a circle and bitching about Nick while he is with Andi on their alone time. Everyone except Dylan, of course, because he is human and doesn't have time to sit and bitch about another guy for an hour for the cameras.
When Nick walks back in, the silence is awkward as can be. UNTIL, Farmer decides to SAVE THE DAY and finally confront Nick.
Farmer: All you do is talk strategy and no one likes you!
Nick: Can you give me an example?
Farmer: Like, we'll all be sitting and all you want to do is talk about strategy.
Nick: Can you please give me an example so I can have a discussion with you?
Farmer: NO BECAUSE I HONESTLY TRY TO SHUT YOU OUT WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ALL THIS STRATEGY ABOUT WHO'S GONNA GET THE NEXT ONE ON ONE AND STUFF. (How he knows what Nick is talking about if he zones out I don't know.)
Coach decides to chirp in with how Nick knows EVERYTHING about previous Bachelor seasons when none of the other guys have even watched recent seasons of the show. We are all committing a grave sin by watching this show, ya'll.
(It's okay because the Coach and Nick patched things up and are very friendly on Twitter so I'm not hating on him all that much.)
The Farmer throws back to Ghost when him and Andi get a little mini one-on-one sesh while the other guys are left to sit in agony waiting for them to get back. The monastery has a few rules, like NO KISSING, but Andi doesn't give a fuck and kisses Chris all over. I didn't think the date was sexy at all but that's because there's absolutely no chemistry between Andi and Chris in the first place.
When it's Nick's turn to talk to Andi, Farmer and Coach start the bitchfest that continues into the depths of the night. They talk about how Nick always mentions strategy, how he isn't real with Andi and how he isn't real with them, how he hates group dates and basically any accusation they can try to throw at the wall and see if any of them stick. None of them do.
Nick gets the group date rose which means some more time with Andi. Nothing to really report there. He is genuine, believes that Andi has feelings for him and will not back down or believe otherwise. He's confident in their connection and knows that she loves him back but just can't say it to him yet. The eventual heartbreak that is coming for him will have me in tears no doubt.
Honestly, the guys are much more salty and bitchy than the girls in these shows. They are literally all sitting in a circle and bitching about Nick while he is with Andi on their alone time. Everyone except Dylan, of course, because he is human and doesn't have time to sit and bitch about another guy for an hour for the cameras.
When Nick walks back in, the silence is awkward as can be. UNTIL, Farmer decides to SAVE THE DAY and finally confront Nick.
Farmer: All you do is talk strategy and no one likes you!
Nick: Can you give me an example?
Farmer: Like, we'll all be sitting and all you want to do is talk about strategy.
Nick: Can you please give me an example so I can have a discussion with you?
Farmer: NO BECAUSE I HONESTLY TRY TO SHUT YOU OUT WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ALL THIS STRATEGY ABOUT WHO'S GONNA GET THE NEXT ONE ON ONE AND STUFF. (How he knows what Nick is talking about if he zones out I don't know.)
Coach decides to chirp in with how Nick knows EVERYTHING about previous Bachelor seasons when none of the other guys have even watched recent seasons of the show. We are all committing a grave sin by watching this show, ya'll.
(It's okay because the Coach and Nick patched things up and are very friendly on Twitter so I'm not hating on him all that much.)
Rose Ceremony
In a decision shocking to no one that has ever watched this show, Chris, Josh and Marcus get the other three roses. Both of the exists are gracious and I'm sure Dylan and Brian will find happiness because they seem like decent guys. Brian does get a little too worked up, but I'm willing to chalk that off to being in front of the cameras on reality TV.
Random Musings
The way Andi looks at Nick is only paralleled by the way Andi looks at Josh. They are final 2, no freaking doubt about it whatsoever. Ultimately though, Josh is the challenge, which is why Andi is going to pick him. I don't think it will work out.
Until next time, when Andi finds out that she has a future as a "homemaker" in an Iowan farm,
I'm Wahid,
And stop hating on Nick just stahhhhhp it
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